dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
