My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
