i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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