You're so nebulous sometimes
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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