I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
