remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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