oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
