When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
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