We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
