He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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