Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize