Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
