Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
