um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
