I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
