The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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