he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize