I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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