my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
