At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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