I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
