Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
