I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
