ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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