I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
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