I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
