I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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