The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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