my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
