I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize