Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
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