: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
