party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
