there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
