I faked an abortion last night.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
