Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Dignity is for republicans.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Randomize