giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
