True but thats because hes a fetus.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
