i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
only you would photoshop your dick
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
