We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
