New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
