Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
