just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You are a genius and a whore.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
