My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
