Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
