Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Randomize
