walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
