Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
My ass is underappreciated
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
