Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
