Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
