I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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