I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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