I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
