you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
