I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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